I don't really have anything to say today, but I just want to write and connect with y'all. So here I am, talking about nothin.
I am away on another week long job. My little one came and spent the day with me yesterday. This is for a family who has young kids and the g-ma living with them. This mama has her hands full! Such a sweet family. Its just g-ma and I here and it so peaceful.
My new night time job has already offered me 5 nights a week from the original 2 that I had signed on for. That would mean I could work in one place for 40 hours a week, quit all of my day jobs and be home during the day to drop off, and pick up and do soccer, and cook and clean and paint my living room and make my home a home once again. Not just a place that we all dash into to sleep at night. I am thinking on it. It sounds good....I just hate to leave a couple of my day clients. I also am nervous about having all of my eggs in one basket.
My girl's detox was not "it." These days I wonder if "it" will ever happen for her.
Some events happened last week, words were exchanged and I blew up. I used guilt and manipulation to try to get my point across. The good news is that we both have enough recovery under our belts that we both knew exactly what I was doing and where it was coming from. As the words flew out of my mouth I was thinking...."just stop." We made an amends within an hour and we could move on. The difference this time was that I could acknowledge that this is a tough journey and I won't always do it perfectly. None of us will in our little circle of family. Her sobriety is not pending on me doing it perfectly, on me doing anything at all. Its not the end of the world that I got mad. If there was ever a situation to provoke the anger of a mother....this would be it! So while not the best way to handle things, it happens. I can give myself that and not beat myself up. That type of blow up used to be my habit, my norm. Now, not so much anymore. Now, hardly ever.
Tomorrow I am meeting a woman who is thinning out her strawberry patch and letting me buy 24 plants for 12.00. My girl is supposed to be at home hoeing out a spot to be our strawberry patch. Whether that happens or not is yet to be seen. I am prepared to do it myself if need be and I am not resentful of that possibility. It just is what it is. That is a lot of progress for me. I used to set things up like this as a test almost. Not consciously of course, but I look back and I can see it now. If she did what was asked, then she met my criteria of good behavior. If not it just confirmed that she was a wreck and I would act disappointed and angry. I am so glad that by God's grace I am able to do things differently now. To not set either one of us up for those types of scenarios. To accept that she is where she is and I can't manipulate her to change that out of guilt or feelings of obligation. Gosh, if all of my tools of manipulation were enough to make her better...it would be done already! There would be no story to tell anymore. Such an ugly and dysfunctional dynamic that I hold the potential for.
There is a lot of good in my life despite the dark spots. I can choose to enjoy the good or I can allow the dark to become all invasive. I do have some say about that and I choose to fill as much of my life space up with light as I can.
"God is light and in Him there is no darkness." John 1:5.
Annette
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
2 weeks notice
I did it....I gave my 2 weeks notice to my exceedingly difficult client. The new client sounds like they have some things up in the air....but once I had made up my mind, I decided that even if the new client all fell through, it was still the best thing for me to do.
This is taking care of myself at a new level. I feel very responsible and grown up. lol
On Saturday little one and I went to a beautiful spot to meet the rest of the family to scatter the remainder of my mom's ashes. We picked a spot looking out to the west, toward the bay, with a beautiful view of foothills and then the big city on the horizon. Off she went into the wind.
She would have loved that we all were together having a picnic in one of her favorite spots. It was a nice day....3 hours of family time is just enough. Enough to end on a good note. Some of the family is hilarious, some are broken and stilted, some are incredibly intelligent, some are big important professionals, and some are just regular workers...the people who keep our modern conveniences running smoothly each day.
Its a new day people....lets make the most of it in whatever ways we can manage.
Much love being sent out.....
Annette
This is taking care of myself at a new level. I feel very responsible and grown up. lol
On Saturday little one and I went to a beautiful spot to meet the rest of the family to scatter the remainder of my mom's ashes. We picked a spot looking out to the west, toward the bay, with a beautiful view of foothills and then the big city on the horizon. Off she went into the wind.
She would have loved that we all were together having a picnic in one of her favorite spots. It was a nice day....3 hours of family time is just enough. Enough to end on a good note. Some of the family is hilarious, some are broken and stilted, some are incredibly intelligent, some are big important professionals, and some are just regular workers...the people who keep our modern conveniences running smoothly each day.
Its a new day people....lets make the most of it in whatever ways we can manage.
Much love being sent out.....
Annette
Sunday, June 16, 2013
My Dad.....
Today seems like a fitting day to write about my dad. I am a little surprised that I have never written about him. I recently realized that I have shared so much here....but never anything about him.
He married my mom when she was 7 months pregnant with me...he was not my biological father, but the only father I ever knew. I think back on him and the words "hard ass" come to mind. lol He meant well, but he was a hard ass. He could be a cruel bully, but he also was there for us if we ever needed anything. Repairs, money, a ride, a good dinner. He was the first person I ever heard use the words "fucking cunt." I have been thinking today what it felt like to be him. What place did he operate from? Anger and fear and feeling like he wasn't enough....is my guess.
He passed away in 1999. He had congestive heart failure and was 73 years old at the time. My mom and I drove to see him, and he was awake and talked to us, my mom held his feet and said, where he could hear...."Oh your feet are cold. I don't think it will be long Bob." I was shocked. "Mommmm!" But that was them....very real. We stayed a long time, my mom was concerned about him dying and being all alone ....but eventually we headed for home. We lived about 3 hours away from the hospital. 45 minutes after we got home, we got the call that he had passed away. My mom said, "Ohhhh that is so like him. Waits until we leave to go!" They had had a very tumultuous marriage filled with lots of alcohol, pills, and violence...but had remained "friends" through the years.
He was cruel to her in every way imaginable.....and I will leave it at that.
My dad had been an electrician at a ship yard until he had a heart attack, that he drove himself to the hospital to be treated for. I was in the first grade and I was terrified that he would die. He retired after that and my mom was the bread winner. He stayed home with us and he cooked our meals and made desserts all the time. When we got home from school, he was there.
His parents had immigrated to America to Ellis Island from Russia. It was quite the story...they met and got married and began their family in Honolulu. They raised their kids there for 20 years. My dad told stories of climbing coconut trees with his bare feet....so he could hang on like a monkey. He would buy us sugar cane when we were little so that we could experience chewing on that stringy grainy stalk. Or coconuts that he would drive nails into so we could suck the milk out...it wasn't really very good. We ate crab legs on a regular basis.
He was "so smart he has no common sense" my mom would say. When I look back, I think she may have been right. He and my mom had a little boy 2 years after my arrival. That boy was worshiped as being the man-child who would carry on the family name. His true blood child...unlike myself.
A turning point in our relationship was after I had had my first baby. I went to visit him and he started yelling and getting agitated about something....I don't remember what now. I told him he could stop yelling or I was going to leave. I would come back and we could try again another day. He didn't stop, so I packed up my little baby and our stuff and we left. I came back again in a couple weeks. I didn't mention the last visit, but just started fresh with him. I never had a problem again with him. As a matter of fact, he acted like he really liked me. He told me I was a wonderful mother, he liked the way we were raising our kids. He would send me interesting articles and books. It was a good time for us. Once we moved away out of our childhood area, he would make the long drive to see us. I would make a big lunch and he would talk to the kids.....he really enjoyed them so much. He was interested in all of their "stuff." Our son started playing football as a little boy and my dad was just beyond himself with joy and pride! My dad truly was a genius...literally. On paper. lol He had a photographic memory and would quote long pieces of poetry to the kids about whatever they happened to be studying. I remember hearing one in particular about Ancient Rome. I was so impressed.
When he died, he left my mom instructions to continue to send money to a woman who was incarcerated in a prison somewhere. He had a little amount set aside that my mom was to disperse to this woman monthly. She was his "soul mate" and he believed that they would be together again in another life. We also found years of daily journals filled with the date, the temperature, the weather, and a few words about what he did that day. It was actually kind of fascinating.
When he died, I felt nothing. No grief, no crying, he was just gone. I feel that every life has worth....his held worth to someone, I know that my life would have been very different without him in it.
I hope this post doesn't sound vindictive or filled with resentment. I don't feel like that about him. I feel like he did the best he knew how to do. He was a man with a lot of complicated issues and that is ok. He bulldozed through his life, hurting people a long the way....but so have I at various times in my life. Thinking I knew best, thinking if I yelled loud enough or controlled events I would make everything be ok. I however, can promise you that I do not have a secret prison love interest that I am funneling our hard earned money to. LOL
I also married a very different man than my father.....God's mercy at work.
Happy Father's Day to all of the dad's out there who have tried their hardest to be good men and do right by their kids. Bless your hearts.
Annette
He married my mom when she was 7 months pregnant with me...he was not my biological father, but the only father I ever knew. I think back on him and the words "hard ass" come to mind. lol He meant well, but he was a hard ass. He could be a cruel bully, but he also was there for us if we ever needed anything. Repairs, money, a ride, a good dinner. He was the first person I ever heard use the words "fucking cunt." I have been thinking today what it felt like to be him. What place did he operate from? Anger and fear and feeling like he wasn't enough....is my guess.
He passed away in 1999. He had congestive heart failure and was 73 years old at the time. My mom and I drove to see him, and he was awake and talked to us, my mom held his feet and said, where he could hear...."Oh your feet are cold. I don't think it will be long Bob." I was shocked. "Mommmm!" But that was them....very real. We stayed a long time, my mom was concerned about him dying and being all alone ....but eventually we headed for home. We lived about 3 hours away from the hospital. 45 minutes after we got home, we got the call that he had passed away. My mom said, "Ohhhh that is so like him. Waits until we leave to go!" They had had a very tumultuous marriage filled with lots of alcohol, pills, and violence...but had remained "friends" through the years.
He was cruel to her in every way imaginable.....and I will leave it at that.
My dad had been an electrician at a ship yard until he had a heart attack, that he drove himself to the hospital to be treated for. I was in the first grade and I was terrified that he would die. He retired after that and my mom was the bread winner. He stayed home with us and he cooked our meals and made desserts all the time. When we got home from school, he was there.
His parents had immigrated to America to Ellis Island from Russia. It was quite the story...they met and got married and began their family in Honolulu. They raised their kids there for 20 years. My dad told stories of climbing coconut trees with his bare feet....so he could hang on like a monkey. He would buy us sugar cane when we were little so that we could experience chewing on that stringy grainy stalk. Or coconuts that he would drive nails into so we could suck the milk out...it wasn't really very good. We ate crab legs on a regular basis.
He was "so smart he has no common sense" my mom would say. When I look back, I think she may have been right. He and my mom had a little boy 2 years after my arrival. That boy was worshiped as being the man-child who would carry on the family name. His true blood child...unlike myself.
A turning point in our relationship was after I had had my first baby. I went to visit him and he started yelling and getting agitated about something....I don't remember what now. I told him he could stop yelling or I was going to leave. I would come back and we could try again another day. He didn't stop, so I packed up my little baby and our stuff and we left. I came back again in a couple weeks. I didn't mention the last visit, but just started fresh with him. I never had a problem again with him. As a matter of fact, he acted like he really liked me. He told me I was a wonderful mother, he liked the way we were raising our kids. He would send me interesting articles and books. It was a good time for us. Once we moved away out of our childhood area, he would make the long drive to see us. I would make a big lunch and he would talk to the kids.....he really enjoyed them so much. He was interested in all of their "stuff." Our son started playing football as a little boy and my dad was just beyond himself with joy and pride! My dad truly was a genius...literally. On paper. lol He had a photographic memory and would quote long pieces of poetry to the kids about whatever they happened to be studying. I remember hearing one in particular about Ancient Rome. I was so impressed.
When he died, he left my mom instructions to continue to send money to a woman who was incarcerated in a prison somewhere. He had a little amount set aside that my mom was to disperse to this woman monthly. She was his "soul mate" and he believed that they would be together again in another life. We also found years of daily journals filled with the date, the temperature, the weather, and a few words about what he did that day. It was actually kind of fascinating.
When he died, I felt nothing. No grief, no crying, he was just gone. I feel that every life has worth....his held worth to someone, I know that my life would have been very different without him in it.
I hope this post doesn't sound vindictive or filled with resentment. I don't feel like that about him. I feel like he did the best he knew how to do. He was a man with a lot of complicated issues and that is ok. He bulldozed through his life, hurting people a long the way....but so have I at various times in my life. Thinking I knew best, thinking if I yelled loud enough or controlled events I would make everything be ok. I however, can promise you that I do not have a secret prison love interest that I am funneling our hard earned money to. LOL
I also married a very different man than my father.....God's mercy at work.
Happy Father's Day to all of the dad's out there who have tried their hardest to be good men and do right by their kids. Bless your hearts.
Annette
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I have exactly 2 minutes to post.....
This past week, when I was not at home, was particularly bonding for my husband and I. Something to do with him doing things his own way, without me looking over his shoulder to make sure he was doing it right. After 28 years.....I am seeing, that maybe he really does know a thing or two. lol Actually kind of sad....on my end.
It drifted into this week when I asked him to help me figure out my work schedule. Which includes consolidating as many jobs as I can into geographical areas, making the most money possible and the best use of my time, and being available to take and drop off little one at school. It is a puzzle I tell you. But I am married to an analyst, a technical engineer....I am more of an artsy, emotional type who does people. He does schedules, machines, black and white. Why haven't I made use of his skills before now?! Because I am crazy.
So I handed him the whole enchilada....all of the jobs, the times, the locations and I said, "Here, make the best use of all of this. I don't want to drive up and down the mountain numerous times each day."
He looked at it, plotted it all out, and told me a job I should/could eliminate that would make the whole thing work more effectively. I of course replied, that I couldn't do that. That little memory impaired woman is trusts me, as does her very astute husband. The dad said, "you don't HAVE to give it up, but this is the clog in the schedule because of the distance." Well said my dear!
I love this man. This past week has made me love him even more.
As to you know who....I am praying for her, being around as much as I can, including her in what we do, where we go, loving her. We will see how it all plays out. Its a strange situation this time, different in many ways. I don't know what it all means. I am on guard. I am watching and waiting for it all to unfold into what it is going to be.
Oh gosh....14 minutes later, now I am running late!
Bye y'all! Much love being sent out....
Annette
It drifted into this week when I asked him to help me figure out my work schedule. Which includes consolidating as many jobs as I can into geographical areas, making the most money possible and the best use of my time, and being available to take and drop off little one at school. It is a puzzle I tell you. But I am married to an analyst, a technical engineer....I am more of an artsy, emotional type who does people. He does schedules, machines, black and white. Why haven't I made use of his skills before now?! Because I am crazy.
So I handed him the whole enchilada....all of the jobs, the times, the locations and I said, "Here, make the best use of all of this. I don't want to drive up and down the mountain numerous times each day."
He looked at it, plotted it all out, and told me a job I should/could eliminate that would make the whole thing work more effectively. I of course replied, that I couldn't do that. That little memory impaired woman is trusts me, as does her very astute husband. The dad said, "you don't HAVE to give it up, but this is the clog in the schedule because of the distance." Well said my dear!
I love this man. This past week has made me love him even more.
As to you know who....I am praying for her, being around as much as I can, including her in what we do, where we go, loving her. We will see how it all plays out. Its a strange situation this time, different in many ways. I don't know what it all means. I am on guard. I am watching and waiting for it all to unfold into what it is going to be.
Oh gosh....14 minutes later, now I am running late!
Bye y'all! Much love being sent out....
Annette
Friday, June 7, 2013
Hospitals and Institutions
Next week I am meeting with someone from our communities mental health dept. to get Alanon meetings into our local locked mental health ward. Usually the patients are there for anywhere from 72 hours to 2 weeks. So the goal is to mainly share an awareness that there is a free program available to them within the community, to support them in learning new ways to take care of themselves.
I am already prepping myself....."you are just sharing information, not curing the world of all that ails it." lol Down girl!
My girl is hanging in there. I think the dad is planning on offering a little road trip to the hot springs today. A hot soak in a mineral bath sounds good. Probably for the both of them. lol I think this was part of God's perfect plan that I was out of the picture for the week. I have had total peace and am eternally grateful that I wasn't at home for all of this. I get in the way of the dad participating, because I am always in the middle of it all, telling everyone what to do. Truth be told. I think our girl will never forget this week....the week her dad dropped everything to stay home with her while she went through a very painful detox. I know him....he knows how to stand back and respect her privacy and give her her space, far better than I do. I am sure they worked together very well through all of this. I hear that the worst of it is over....just drained of all energy, lots of sleeping, and eating more.
Its another fresh start. No guarantees.
Today is my last day on my paid vacation. It has been so nice. I have another one coming up in about a week. They just have a regular coffee pot at that house though. lol
I am meeting a potential client today and thinking of making a huge change. Well its not that huge really, it just feels huge. When I take on a client, I plan on staying until they pass away. Its hard on them once they build a relationship to lose their caregiver...so I am in it for the long haul. Unless its just impossible of course. But I do try to choose carefully who I will work for. I am thinking of quitting a job right now. I have never quit a job, nor have I ever been fired. I have a client right now who is SO challenging. Its not just me, its everyone, his family, his other caregivers. I am wrestling with when do my feelings of obligation and commitment take a back seat to my own comfort, my own serenity, my stress level. Typical co-dependent stuff. I hate it!
Praying for God's infinite wisdom in all that I do.
Annette
I am already prepping myself....."you are just sharing information, not curing the world of all that ails it." lol Down girl!
My girl is hanging in there. I think the dad is planning on offering a little road trip to the hot springs today. A hot soak in a mineral bath sounds good. Probably for the both of them. lol I think this was part of God's perfect plan that I was out of the picture for the week. I have had total peace and am eternally grateful that I wasn't at home for all of this. I get in the way of the dad participating, because I am always in the middle of it all, telling everyone what to do. Truth be told. I think our girl will never forget this week....the week her dad dropped everything to stay home with her while she went through a very painful detox. I know him....he knows how to stand back and respect her privacy and give her her space, far better than I do. I am sure they worked together very well through all of this. I hear that the worst of it is over....just drained of all energy, lots of sleeping, and eating more.
Its another fresh start. No guarantees.
Today is my last day on my paid vacation. It has been so nice. I have another one coming up in about a week. They just have a regular coffee pot at that house though. lol
I am meeting a potential client today and thinking of making a huge change. Well its not that huge really, it just feels huge. When I take on a client, I plan on staying until they pass away. Its hard on them once they build a relationship to lose their caregiver...so I am in it for the long haul. Unless its just impossible of course. But I do try to choose carefully who I will work for. I am thinking of quitting a job right now. I have never quit a job, nor have I ever been fired. I have a client right now who is SO challenging. Its not just me, its everyone, his family, his other caregivers. I am wrestling with when do my feelings of obligation and commitment take a back seat to my own comfort, my own serenity, my stress level. Typical co-dependent stuff. I hate it!
Praying for God's infinite wisdom in all that I do.
Annette
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
While I am away....
While I am away.....
I get to live in the lap of luxury with a very sweet and very appreciative disabled woman, I sleep in a luxurious bed that I sink into each night, in the mornings we drink coffee made from her 1000.00 coffee machine, later I walk her over to her art class (she wheels...I walk,) we spend our days painting and looking at art blogs and talking of her beginning a blog of her own, we watch movies, I tend to her physical needs...this sweet woman who considers my comfort before her own, she has become a friend over the years. Not just a client.
While I am away....
Little one is camping with big brother, hiking and fishing and catching trout galore. Her new nickname is "trout slayer." They build their campfire at night, they make their s'mores, they play rounds of Skip Bo and mancala, then settle into their tents for the night with Layla the protector, laying beside them.
While I am away....
Molly's car got broken into. Smashed window and stolen Steve Madden purse and all. She is mad. She calls wondering what to do. I explain.
While I am away....
The dad is bored and says he likes it better when he has us home with him.
While I am away....
My girl decides to detox off of heroin. She is there alone, no one to watch, its the perfect time. It is considerations like these that break my heart, shows me that she is still my good girl deep inside her spirit. She chooses a week when she won't subject us to this horrible scene. In all of her poor choices, she still considers us in whatever ways she can. The dad realizes what she is doing and comes home early from work to keep an eye on her. He asks me what to do....ibuprofen, Dramamine, Gatorade. He explains what is going on and says he is just there with her, encouraging her through the next 15 minutes. And then the next 15 minutes after that...
While I am away....
I pray.
I get to live in the lap of luxury with a very sweet and very appreciative disabled woman, I sleep in a luxurious bed that I sink into each night, in the mornings we drink coffee made from her 1000.00 coffee machine, later I walk her over to her art class (she wheels...I walk,) we spend our days painting and looking at art blogs and talking of her beginning a blog of her own, we watch movies, I tend to her physical needs...this sweet woman who considers my comfort before her own, she has become a friend over the years. Not just a client.
While I am away....
Little one is camping with big brother, hiking and fishing and catching trout galore. Her new nickname is "trout slayer." They build their campfire at night, they make their s'mores, they play rounds of Skip Bo and mancala, then settle into their tents for the night with Layla the protector, laying beside them.
While I am away....
Molly's car got broken into. Smashed window and stolen Steve Madden purse and all. She is mad. She calls wondering what to do. I explain.
While I am away....
The dad is bored and says he likes it better when he has us home with him.
While I am away....
My girl decides to detox off of heroin. She is there alone, no one to watch, its the perfect time. It is considerations like these that break my heart, shows me that she is still my good girl deep inside her spirit. She chooses a week when she won't subject us to this horrible scene. In all of her poor choices, she still considers us in whatever ways she can. The dad realizes what she is doing and comes home early from work to keep an eye on her. He asks me what to do....ibuprofen, Dramamine, Gatorade. He explains what is going on and says he is just there with her, encouraging her through the next 15 minutes. And then the next 15 minutes after that...
While I am away....
I pray.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
My computer programmer
So today, going along with yesterday's homeschooling post, I wanted to tell you a little bit of my son's story. Its actually quite remarkable. I don't share his life here very often because he is a private person, like his dad....but he would be ok with me sharing this part of his story.
When he was about 10 we got our first home computer....that was a big deal back in the 90's. People were just beginning to have computers in their homes. We didn't have the internet at first because that was just too much, it seemed very big brotherish to me LOL. However, it wasn't long before we had dial up internet. I think we had to unplug the phone and then plug the internet cable in and you would get a busy signal if you called our house. Gosh, how things have changed.
This boy of ours was just fascinated by the computer. He immediately began teaching himself this and that....I don't know what. I was just worried he would be watching porn on it so I was constantly peeking in the room. I had read all the material on monitoring what our kids were doing online and time limits for computer usage so they didn't become zombies. It just seemed like something else for me to control...ha!
Soon that all blew over though and he pretty much had free reign on the computer....one night, he was probably 11 or 12 by this time, he sat up all night teaching himself HTML code and I was so worried. I felt like this wasn't healthy, it was obsessive, he was being consumed.
I look back now and I think....oh to have such problems! He also played baseball, soccer and basketball on teams and had a lot of friends....so really it wasn't as bad as I was imagining it to be.
By the time he was 14 he had created his own webpage design business. He had some paying clients and some clients who bartered with him. Remember he was being homeschooled so he had time to invest in all of these ventures. At 17 one of his webpage clients invited him to come to L.A. for a big sports conference and event. He got a paid room, entrance to the event, time to meet and greet with athletes and managers and show his wares.We let he and his best friend fly off to L.A....alone, like grown ups!
He had graduated early from high school at 16 so he worked and went to some junior college classes and worked on computers and just kept teaching himself more and more. He kept his webpage design business going over the years....he used it for school credit, he used it on resumes and he made a lot of great connections with people. He got into Brazilian Jujitsu and was making webpages for some fighters during this time.
This whole time I just thought, "Oh, how neat. He has a hobby." Shows how much I know. It also shows that anything he accomplished, he did without my help.
Fast forward to today.....he's 26 and he got a job at a casino in the IT dept about 8 months ago and has quickly been promoted to senior programmer. When he is asked where he went to school....mouths hang open when he shares that he never went to school. He had a couple years of public high school where he went to play baseball. His junior year he asked if I would homeschool him again, which I agreed to, and he did 2 years in one and finished. He then went to a community college for maybe 3 semesters.
I have this remarkable young man in my life. He is kind, smart, loves his crazy family...how lucky am I?! He took little one camping and I just got a photo of her holding up a rope with all the fish she caught. He taught her how to gut them and she is thrilled. He is my hiking buddy and my greatest encourager when it comes to getting fit.
I love this kid. I love them all, but today he gets the spotlight here in my bloggerland.
Annette
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