I am reading a book called Dying To Survive by Rachel Keogh who is telling the story of her heroin addiction and how in the end of her years of using, her arms had huge gaping holes in them and were literally rotting and she was at great risk of having them amputated.
Yes....I am really reading that. Why do I do this to myself? Although now I am getting to the part where she is hitting her bottom and choosing recovery, choosing to get well, no matter what the cost....and I am not talking about money. She is willing to lay herself out there for the media, to tell her story, to share her shame, "just someone please help me." Today she is clean....I googled her to check....and she has a baby, has gone to college, is a published author. Encouraging stuff. It can happen.
I think reading stories like this and I will admit, I watch Intervention too....is like going back to the scene of the accident. I am compelled to look at this stuff. The dad and big brother say, "Why do you watch this? We have enough of it in our real lives!" I think its because in my own weird and warped ways, I am facing my reality over and over again. I am affirming in my own head and heart.....yes this is real, this is your world, and this is what you are living through. Don't forget it....don't let it take you by surprise. Ever. If I can look at it from every angle maybe I will understand it better.
I remember many years ago, I had a car accident. I was alone in the car but the dad had to come with 3 year old big brother, and 1 year "my girl," to pick me up off the side of the road where I had rear ended a car and pushed it into the car in front of it. I had a Volvo at the time, a sturdy car, but it was totaled. It was a horrible experience. No one was hurt except for the big scrape right down the middle of my throat where my chin had hit the steering wheel....seat belt laws were made for people like me! Anyway, the littles saw all of this.....the smashed car, my bleeding chin and throat, and for months afterward, big brother would say, "You had a car crash.....but you were ok, huh mama." Or if we drove by the spot...."you crashed into another car right here, but you were ok, huh mama." "You scraped your "froat" but you are ok, huh mama." For months this went on. He went over the accident and what he saw over and over again. It scared the heck out of the little thing and this was him processing it all and reassuring himself that his "mama" was ok, that there was no danger in our immediate circle of life as far as any of us knew.
I think my reading drug horror stories and watching intervention is like that. Its my 3 year old way of processing this life that came and took us all by surprise 10 years ago. I don't know when or if this processing will ever stop....and for now I can just say that it is what it is. For some reason its what I need to do.